Oddities of a Small Nature
by Faelinn
Summary: Jack thinks Marty hates him, Marty thinks Jack hates him, and Gibbs just thinks they're both idiots. The result? Practical jokes! Please R&R!


This is actually a repost of a story I accidentally deleted. Sorry. I'm an idiot.

This was written for khohen1's Potc Tertiary Character Ficathon. Originally posted on 9-28-04.

Requestor:hazelhawthorne

Challenge: -Marty & Cotton's parrot. A conspiracy. Use the words: normal, aurora australianus, satisfaction.

Disclaimer: They're not mine and I'm not making any money off this.

A/N: I stayed home sick to finish this story. In other words, I wrote this in about an hour and never had it beta read, so please forgive my inevitable mistakes. Oh, and sorry about the really stupid scene change markers. I couldn't get anything else to work.

Also, this might be a bit silly. I wonder if I'm capable of writing anything serious...

Marty stared down at the bird perched on his hands as it cleaned its bright plumage. A few stray bits of fluff had accumulated in its feathers, giving it a slightly fuzzy look. Both of them sat between two barrels full of supplies, hidden from the rest of the crew's view. The short pirate petted the bird lightly as he stared out from his hiding place.

Around them, the crew bustled about their normal jobs, unaware of their hidden observers. On the far side of the ship, however, Cotton sat alone and desolate, obviously missing the company of his bird.

"It's a conspiracy, I tell ye. They're all out to get me," he whispered to the bird.

The bird nodded thoughtfully, opening its beak to speak. A small hand quickly clamped it back together, careful to preserve the safety of his hiding place. The short pirate glared unblinkingly at his crewmates, but the center of his intense gaze was only one person. Captain Jack Sparrow. Marty knew the man hated him, knew that he despised him for his height.

"He thinks he's better than me just 'cause he's so tall and fine," he hissed, "But, all he's only a great girlie man, wearing eyeshadow and whatnot. Probably fancies men, too."

The bird tried to open its beak, but was unable to because of Marty's restraining hand. It glared up at the diminutive pirate crossly, and ruffled its wings. A few small down feathers floated into the air, tickling against Marty's nose. He wrinkled his nose and lifted a finger to hold beneath it. A sneeze would most assuredly give away his position.

Across the deck, Jack Sparrow stared down into the reflecting depths of water, captivated by the sun's pale mirror image. His dark kohl-lined eyes barely moved, seemingly without a need to even blink. Marty pursed his lips in displeasure, irritated by this strange calm in his normally flighty captain.

"He's up to something, I tell ye," he informed the bird, squinting his eyes against the bright sunlight in attempt to see better.

In the harsh glare, another figure had joined Jack Sparrow, moving to stand beside him. The other man glanced down at the water, obviously curious what interest the captain found in it, but looked up, puzzled, when he found nothing. By the unshaven, grizzled chin and portly build, Marty guessed the captain's companion must be Gibbs. He scowled to himself, wishing he could hear the words the other man must be saying.

_La la la! Scene change!_

The glimmering reflections of water danced before his eyes, silver and gleaming like the delicate scales of fish. Flecks of light danced across the surface, motes of color sent by the sun. Jack stared harder, trying to trace the patterns in the waves. He knew there must be one. Hadn't some great scientist said that there was a pattern in everything? Jack was sure someone had said that, yet he could see no true discernible pattern. Maybe the rhythms of the ocean weren't for human eyes. Maybe only the patterns of the land were visible to them.

It was a sad thought, and Jack pouted slightly. He wanted to see the ocean patterns not those on land. The land didn't matter to him, but the ocean was his life. However, maybe if he stayed on the ocean long enough, it would trick some greater power into thinking it was where he belonged. Maybe then he could see the sea's tricks and patterns. Jack hoped so.

From behind him came the sound of footprints, the heavy boots thudding on the wooden planking. Without turning his head from the water, he waved carelessly. His visitor cleared his throat loudly, trying to distract Jack from the sea.

"Are you sick, Gibbs?" he asked in a concerned voice, though his eyes never left the ocean.

"Uh, no, Capt'n. It's just..well...you see-"

"Where's Marty?" Jack asked, whirling around suddenly and nearly knocking Gibbs over.

The other man caught his balance, grabbing hold of the railing. After a baleful glare at his captain, he turned around, looking for the crew's smallest member. Across the deck, the crew went about their business, oblivious to the two men's conversation.

"I don' see him," Gibbs said with a shrug, once more facing his captain.

"Neither do I, which is why I asked where he was," Jack said, his brow wrinkling slightly with thought.

"Well, he is mighty low to the ground. We're prob'ly just not lookin' hard enough."

They both turned simultaneously, scanning the deck carefully. Once more, they saw nothing.

"I don't think he likes me very much," Jack said, pouting ever so slightly.

"Now, why would you think that? Everyone knows you're such a joy to be around," Gibbs said sarcastically, rolling his eyes expressively.

"Hmm. True," Jack agreed innocently, provoking a deep sigh from his companion.

A quick flash of color near a cluster of barrels caught Gibbs' attention, drawing his thoughts from his captain. He squinted, trying to make out the strange object in his vision. After a second, he was sure of its nature. It couldn't be anything but Cotton's parrot. But, he wondered, why wasn't it with Cotton?

He glanced over at Cotton, who was standing disconsolately at one end of the ship, his parrot noticeably absent. Another small movement near the bright plumage caught his attention, unmistakably the glare of a shiny bald head. Marty.

_So that's where the little bugger's hiding,_ he thought.

"But, still, there's obviously some reason he doesn't like me," Jack was saying, " I mean, he's always glaring at my behind."

"What?" Gibbs managed to choke out, sputtering with disbelief.

"He stares at my bottom, since he can't really stare at my face or anything," Jack clarified.

Gibbs nodded weakly, trying to catch his breath again. Glancing over at the barrels and chuckling softly, he wondered if Marty had overheard.

"You know, comments like that might offend the little guy," Gibbs pointed out.

Jack looked up, startled and confused. His dark eyes had taken a decidedly forlorn cast, making Gibbs feel instantly sorry for him. He attempted to shake the feeling off, knowing his captain was merely playing more games with him.

"I didn't mean it hurtfully or anything. Anyways, it doesn't matter now, does it? He already hates me," he protested defensively, waving his hands about as if to ward away his companion's words.

"Whatever you say, Jack," Gibbs answered, walking away in the direction of the barrels.

Behind him, Jack turned back to his idle reverie on the nature of the ocean.

Marty stared in horror as Gibbs neared the barrel. His hiding place couldn't possibly be found, but the man was headed straight towards him! He gulped nervously, grabbing a tight hold of Cotton's noisy bird.

"It's all your fault," he accused reproachfully.

Yet, Gibbs didn't appear to be stopping, but was instead continuing on past the barrels. When he was only a few inches away from the hidden pirate, he spoke.

"Come meet me below deck," he ordered in a hushed whisper.

Marty's eyebrows rose in confusion, but he nodded as the other man swept past. Much to Marty's relief, no one else on the ship seemed to have noticed the brief interchange. Briefly, he debated on whether he should follow Gibbs' order or not, but his curiosity got the better of him. He began to slowly creep towards his destination, still clutching the unfortunate parrot in one small fist.

_La la la! Scene Change!_

Gibbs waited impatiently in the cargo hold, tapping his foot impatiently on the solid wood planking. He was sure Marty would come, but it was definitely taking him long enough. He did not know how long he could wait before Jack became suspicious. But, then again, Jack was usually too far off in his own little world to know whether his crew was there or not.

The door to the hold creaked open slowly and, for a second, Gibbs didn't see anything. Then, he focused his vision lower, catching sight of the short pirate slipping through the door. Marty walked across the floor slowly, coming to silently stand before Gibbs. The two pirates stared at each other for several moments, each wondering what the other was up to. After the silence stretched into minutes, Marty finally spoke.

"What do you want? Why'd you call me here?" he asked suspiciously.

Gibbs smiled at the other pirate's suspicions and shook his head ruefully.

"First, I was just wonderin' what is is you've got against the cap'n," he said with a good-natured shrug.

The small man's face contorted into an expression of anger at the mention of Jack, giving the normally harmless-looking pirate a malevolent appearance. Gibbs frowned, surprised at the unprecedented show of emotion.

"I just hate him. Isn't that enough?" he spat out.

"Well, don't you have some sort of reason?" Gibbs questioned tentatively.

"He looks down on me!"

"Umm, well, don't most people?" Gibbs asked, confused.

Marty irritably tapped his foot on the floor, not amused.

"Not like that," he snapped.

"Oh."

"I mean, isn't it obvious that he trusts the other men of the crew more than me? He never takes me with him when he goes to shore, even when I ask!"

Gibbs coughed softly, not sure how to phrase his next words.

"I'm not sure he meant that as a personal slight, Marty. He just wanted..well...people who can...you know...reach the oars," he said uncomfortably.

Marty shot a baleful glare up at the other man, clearly not appreciating the words.

"If you're only here to insult me, then I'll leave," he growled.

Gibbs put up a placating hand, urging the other man to stay.

"No, no. I have a point."

"Well, then get to it! I don't have all day," Marty said.

Gibbs sat down on one of the crates scattered throughout the room, motioning for Marty to do the same. The other pirate glanced at a crate and began the slow climb onto it. Gibbs let him alone, not wanting to irritate him further. Once he was seated, Gibbs began to speak again.

"It's like this, Marty. This...thing...between you two can't go on. You've got to be able to work with each other."

"I'm trying!"

"Obviously not hard enough. Jack thinks you hate him."

"I do!"

"Only because you don't think he likes you"

"Well, does he like me?"

"I don't know! He's kind of uncomfortable around you, but that's prob'ly 'cause he thinks you're looking at his arse," Gibbs admitted.

"Well, what else can I look at? I'm a bloody midget! Besides," he muttered in an undertone, " he does have a nice arse."

Gibbs turned to stare at Marty, uncertain of what he had heard. He looked up innocently and petted Cotton's parrot.

"Okay, whatever, I don't care. But, I have a plan of how to make you two get along better. You see, Jack has a thing for practical jokes and it's been a game among his friends to play as many on him as possible, 'cause he always falls for them. I can't think of a better way to break the ice between you two than a nice joke at his expense," Gibbs said with an evil smile.

"You're just going to use me to make Jack look like an idiot, aren't you? You don't really care if I patch things up with him," Marty accused.

"Well, no," Gibbs admitted.

"Fine. I'll do it."

_La la la! Scene change!_

Gibbs walked through the narrow door that led to the captain's quarters, deftly stepping over the piles of strange objects scattered on the floor. Jack was sitting on his bunk, trying to work some sort of toy that Gibbs knew to be a child's puzzle. He doubted Jack would ever figure it out.

"Uh, cap'n," he began.

Jack looked up, not having noticed the other man's presence. He put the puzzle down carefully, not wanting to ruin what little progress he had made.

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to warn you about Marty," Gibbs began, trying his best to look sincere.

"What about him?" Jack asked, glancing yearningly at his discarded puzzle.

"Well, it's just...you know what they say about people of his size, right?" Gibbs asked.

"Actually no. Is it something about a certain part of their body?" Jack asked curiously, his eloquent hand gesture leaving no doubt as to his meaning.

"No!" he cried, outraged and frustrated. After a second, he forced himself to speak again. "Anamaria told me that they turn into evil flying demons on the full moon."

"That's nonsense," Jack protested, reaching out his hand to pick up the puzzle again.

"So are walking skeletons. And, remember Bo'sun?" Gibbs pointed out.

"Oh, yeah. Whenever he was touched by the light of the aurora australianus, he turned into a kitten, right?" Jack answered.

"Right."

"So, you think Marty's goin' to attack me?" Jack asked, his brow wrinkled with concern.

"Who knows? Just keep on the lookout, alright?" Gibbs said.

"All right," Jack answered with a casual shrug.

_La la la! Scene change!_

A shadow fell over Marty, taking his attention away from his work. He glanced up, expecting to see Gibbs, but was instead confronted with the image of his captain. He started backwards, afraid they're plan had been discovered. Yet, the captain didn't look angry but was actually smiling with some sort of secret satisfaction.

"I know about yer plan!" he exclaimed gleefully.

Swallowing deeply, the smaller man began to edge backwards, fearing the pirate's wrath. Jack shook his head and grabbed a hold of Marty's arm, pulling him back towards him.

"I'm not mad. I just want your help," he explained.

"With what?" suspiciously asked Marty.

"Just a little revenge trick on a certain acquaintance of ours," Jack said with a mischievous smile.

"I'm willin' to listen," Marty said grudgingly.

Jack began to speak and soon the two were giggling evilly together.

_La la la! Scene change!_

As night drew near, Gibbs was carefully applying white makeup to Marty, so he would be more visible in the dark. The little pirate was sitting patiently, his eyes drifting off into space.

"There. All done," Gibbs said, standing up and taking a step backwards.

Marty stood, too, and glanced at himself in the tiny shard of mirror before him. He was pale as a ghost, glowing even in the dim light of the cabin.

"Now all we have to do is get you tied up to the rope and wait for Jack to arrive," Gibbs added.

Carefully, Gibbs began to attach the harness Marty was wearing to a rope suspended from the ceiling. As soon as this was completed, he began to slowly elevate the dwarf until he was over a man's height from the ground. He then ran to a corner to hide and watch the action.

Marty now knew his part in the plan was nearly over. The rest was up to Jack.

_La la la! Scene change!_

Jack smiled gleefully to himself as he added the last finishing touches of paint to Cotton's parrot. The poor bird now looked positively evil, complete with glowing red circles around its eyes and small horns attached to its head with a rope. Like Marty, it was painted almost completely white.

"Now, we get to go scare Gibbs, right birdie?" he asked playfully.

"Avast!" the bird squawked.

Jack put a cautioning finger to its beak, hoping it would understand this meant silence. He walked to his cabin slowly, hiding the parrot under his cloak. It nestled close to his chest, shivering slightly in the cold night air. He glanced down at it concerned, but it perked back up as he petted it again. He reached his hand out to the door opening it slowly. As he stepped into the cabin, he could hear the soft sounds of breathing. Suddenly, a small, white form came hurtling at him from the ceiling. He deftly sidestepped it and released the bird from his hold. It flew straight towards one corner, squawking horribly.

"Hah, demon!" Jack yelled in a frightening voice, " I have a more powerful evil creature serving me!"

From the corner came a horrified shriek as the parrot flew at Gibbs's face, sending him flying out of the corner. The heavy man stepped on an item on the floor and went falling to the ground, where he lay sobbing softly.

After a few seconds, Jack had lit a lantern, revealing the true nature of the demon. Gibbs stared at the painted bird for several moments, then turned to glare up at Marty.

"Ye had something to do with this, didn't ye? That bird would never listen to Jack. It only likes you and Cotton," he accused angrily.

The short pirate merely smiled as Jack helped remove the harness attaching him to the ceiling. As soon as the captain had deposited him on the floor, he picked up the parrot and petted it gently. Jack pulled Gibbs to his feet and collapsed on the bed, laughing hysterically.

"It was perfect!" he cried with glee.

After a few seconds, Marty started to laugh as well, remembering the portly pirate's fear.

"Well, I guess it served me right. You'd have to trick me one time, considering how many times I've tricked ye, Jack," Gibbs said, chuckling.

The door began to open, startling the three out of their shared laughter. They stared at the door, slightly afraid. Slowly, Cotton stepped into the room, looking miserable. Marty gasped and ran up to the older man. He offered him the bird apologetically, which instantly brought a smile to Cotton's face, despite the bird's strange condition.

"Sorry, Cotton. I didn' mean to keep him that long."

"Ahoy, maties!" the bird squawked.

"Does that mean he forgives you?" Jack questioned.

Marty nodded and began to help Cotton clean off the parrot.

A/N: What'd you think? Review, please!


End file.
